Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Go No Go - Ass Is Where Is

With rain pouring over the obscene concrete monsters and flowing down to the black concoction of rock and tar and finally lapping all the brown earth it could ,before flowing to nowhere. I stood in front of a concrete monster and waited , hoping for my destiny to change and praying for a taxi to arrive. It is strange that our most thought provoking or nostalgic moments are not the moments where we intend them to be, but usually are those few times of waiting for some trivial thing. Rain has this inherent tendency to depress you, unlike any other climate the rain tries to enthrall the tears trapped within you and bring them out to finally amalgamate with all the water around you. The strong resist and fool themselves while the weak give in and find solace. The water was coming into earth with such ferocity that it would have taken only stronger heart or desperate for themselves to come out and venture into open. Since stronger heart is not my description , I would by corollary the desperate for themselves. I was waiting in this rain for another desperate for themselves soul who would be mad enough to drive me through the modern seas and would hopefully have the necessary equipments to convert his vehicle into a amphibian structure. It was at this moment I realized , I was going nowhere , unfortunately for me both literally and figuratively. Unlike my other material pursuits in my life , I decided to just fold up and return to my haunting abode. I keep my physical belonging and usually come back in night to the eighth floor of the concrete monster. Somehow I have stopped calling it my home or even house for long time now. There is a problem to being cynical , you have to devise new and demeaning descriptions everything normal and if they are used repeatedly in your life , then you will have to remember them.

Opening the door to hollow of my life , I could smell the fungal humidity in abandon. The abode (haunting) has all the necessary modern amenities that money could buy (proverbial) and as expected from the build up I have given, lacked all that money cannot buy (again proverbial). I have somehow got so used to the darkness around and within me , that I find it difficult to justify the money I pay to the local energy company. With the material belonging in the abode following absolute anarchy , it is an art dodging all these monstrous protrusions and traveling from one point to another. Since the darkness engulfs all and I see no hope of restoring the order among the material things, I have converted the art into a form of near exact science. With precision I moved towards my sanctum sanatoria and opened yet another hollow, this time in the wall to change into something that goes with the darkness. After changing into a pair of cloths I can’t figure out what color they were or what color they are now, I sat down to muse over my follies.

Follies are a very strange set of incidents , a perfectly genuine and justifiable action at point of decision making turns into a folly in hindsight. Logic states , we arrived at a justifiable decision by eliminating what would have been follies , then if we conclude at a later stage in life that , a particular action was a folly , then by corollary one of the options which we eliminated was the right decision. Going even further if we state that , probably the right decision was not even thought about at the time of action, then by logic the decision made was best available at the point of action , then again it cannot be a folly. Hence there is not decision or course of action in life , which can be a mistake or folly. It can be only that the , decision based on the available variables was wrong on back of an unknown variable hence it is an act of fate , about which you can’t do a thing.

A whole paragraph wasted on justifying the process of wrong decision making with support of logic is the gift that has made me professionally so sound, alas if I could convince or at best lie to myself. But may be I am right this time , there is no right decision ever , all decisions we make in life are the best at the point of making. Hence I stand by every decision I made in life , but who the hell has stopped the ever conspiring mind from creating what if scenarios. So here I am drawing all the what ifs from my quiver. The list is so large that I am beginning to wonder if the lord Krishna is constantly replenishing my quiver with all the what ifs instead of the silk saris he benevolently lent to Draupadi . I guess so is the case with every individual who has time to spare and no one to share it with. Everybody has their own set of disappointments in life , some squander all their future blaming that one moment , some just pick up and move on but have left a significant something of themselves in that moment, some move as if nothing has happened. I have never been sure which way did I take.
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I took upon the task to sit down and make a list of ten largest dumb ass decisions of my life (Excluding my birth on this planet as technically and rightfully it is my parents mistake, again as I said earlier a perfectly genuine decision having gone wrong in future). Like all real life situations it has thrown up the various variables , how do I rank the decisions. Following the escapist route I decided to write down the decisions now and can rank them later. This has lead to situation where in actually I can list down more than ten decisions on piece of paper and eliminate the good ones which were not dumb enough to make it to top ten. Now the problem with that is , with an impressive armory of bad decision making like that of mine , what is the cut off point. Well like the consultants in our office (whom we paid 6% of our company revenue to teach us to save 2% of the cost, which is in effect 80% of our revenue in effect we contributed 4.4% of our companies revenue to the consultants family welfare fund) taught us to go for the low hanging fruits. I am going from the order of dumbest.

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